i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just googled if crying burns calories
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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