Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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