I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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