He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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