i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
this just has baby written all over it
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
