When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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