dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
