bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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