You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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