Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
