Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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