He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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