Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
