This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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