My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
