Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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