a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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