i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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