When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
