I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
