I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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