She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
