It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
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She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
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Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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