how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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