so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
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