Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
