life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
