Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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