your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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