You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
did i walk over a car last night?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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