Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
