Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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