..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just found puke in my bra..
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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