I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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