The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
