I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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