he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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