i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
