my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
