Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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