why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
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I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
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Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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