Fine. I'll sleep in my office
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
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