I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
You're earring is so big in my mouth
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
