You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
ugly people sure do ruin things
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
