Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
