dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
