Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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