I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
