dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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