Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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