When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
