youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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