i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
