i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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