he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
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