I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
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fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
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On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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