dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.