gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I still have a little drunk in my system
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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