My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.