You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Women Are Tweeting Photos Of Their Underwear To Support Rape Victim Whose Thong Was Cited During Trial
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
21 ‘Don’t Say It’ Tweets That Are Gonna Get Said Every Damn Time
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.