The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..