Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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